Cut Ties, Not Love

I think one reason why breaking up and/or growing distant from certain people is so painful is because we think we have to stop loving those people.

We separate paths for many reasons in life. Sometimes we simply grow apart. Sometimes our life situations are such that remaining close would cause more trouble than it's worth. Sometimes people need to get their shit together and need time and space to do that (sometimes the rest of their life). Sometimes we acknowledge that we need to go on our own spiritual journey, get our own shit together, and change our own bad habits.

But whatever the reason we choose to emotionally and physically part from people we still love, it often hurts. Sometimes there's nothing that hurts more...

In my personal experience with this, I've come to realize that you can't stop loving people if you have ever really loved them. You can't "un-love" them the way you can "un-friend" people on Facebook. Oh, sure, you can stuff the truth down and deny it. You can try to tell yourself that you don't care, but that's when it retaliates the strongest. That's when it comes creeping up to tap you on the shoulder, for instance, when you hear a certain song or experience some other trigger of a memory of that person, and it hits you like a bullet to the heart. But you also know that things would not work out if you tried again with that person. So you're stuck in a Catch 22 of Mind vs. Heart.

The trick, I've discovered, to handling this kind of battle is to stop fighting it. Now, I'm not saying to give into grief and woe-is-me thoughts and feelings until you are completely depressed. What I'm advising is to let yourself keep loving that person, knowing that you made a choice for your good or for the other person's good, but let yourself keep loving. Doing this takes the sting away, makes it hurt much less, at least in my experience.

Resisting the love we still feel and will always feel is what causes the most pain. So don't resist it. Accept your situation and that you are apart for a reason (maybe a million reasons), but also accept that the love for that person will always be there.

Because it's cliche, but it's true: true love never dies.


XoXo

Scarlett

Valentine's Day: My Changing Attitude Over the Years

When I was in high school, I hated Valentine's Day with a passion. My friends and I called it "Single Awareness Day" before the term was popular, and we counted down the agonizing hours until it was over. Often, we'd have to endure all the popular girls squealing with delight as they received cards and chocolate and jewelry and flowers and big heart-shaped balloons, while we sat there at our desks all empty-hearted having gotten nothing. And to make matters worse, all the popular girls got all this affection from the very boys we had mad crushes on! Talk about depressing.

Into my early 20s, I had a little more luck some years for Valentine's Day, but it was still less than ideal. I had a serious crush on my close friend, but she was married and had made it clear she only saw me as a friend. Her gifts were strictly platonic. I remember a couple of guys I dated sort of half-assed the day. Some gave me a gift, and some didn't. They rarely had much time for me on the regular, so they certainly didn't go out of their way to really be romantic on this day. Overall, I was still left feeling "meh." I realized at that point that it wasn't the gift itself I wanted. Instead, it was a symbol I desired, a tangible sign that the guy I was screwing around with wanted more from me than just a great blowjob. I was hoping for something meaningful in the context of a real committed relationship, but the guys I was dating then were not in it for the long haul, so they saw no need to make the day special.

Finally, when I started dating my now-husband, I got the Valentine's Day I had been longing for. I had a little rent house by then, and I happily prepared a dinner of stroganoff with red wine and dessert and candles and had a cute, gigantic card to give him. After he drove up from out of town (we were dating long-distance), he presented me with a beautiful bouquet of red roses and a big heart-shaped tin of chocolates. But it was more than the gifts. The gifts were just a symbol. He gave me his time. He spent the weekend with me. He gave me his body and his heart. Ever since that day, I haven't felt the need to have a special Valentine's Day again, but sometimes I still like to do something romantic.

I understand that a lot of people think Valentine's Day is a corporate holiday meant to sell chocolates and roses and greeting cards, and on one hand, it is. The restaurants are typically packed to the max, and it's really difficult getting reservations. Plus, when you've been married to someone for years and you know that person loves you, it doesn't necessarily feel as imperative that you get treated in any special way on Valentine's Day.

But there still must be some little vestige of that old me who still gets a certain measure of satisfaction knowing I actually have someone worthwhile to spend the day with after all those years of dreading "Single Awareness Day." I think it's important, for me at least, to do something, even if it's picking up a heart-shaped cookie at the grocery store and sharing it while we watch something on Netflix. It's just an added bonus if we dress up and go out.

What about you? Do you prefer to celebrate Valentine's Day, or do you protest it as a money-making scam? No right or wrong answers, of course! And whatever you do this year, be it ignoring the hearts and flowers or embracing them, I hope the day is perfectly celebrated the way you want it to be. ;)

XOXO

Scarlett

Live Together Before Marriage?

(Previously blogged on Goodreads July 28, 2014)

I read an interesting article this morning about living together before marriage. It made me think of a friend of mine. This buddy of mine, whom I've known since high school, thought I was making a huge mistake by not living with my husband before marrying him. (Well, technically we lived together 3 weeks before getting married, but we were engaged and had the date set. It was a matter of my lease on my rent house being up first.)

So, even though my hubby and I dated for a year and a half, my friend still thought it was a bad idea. Anytime I've called her up and talked to her about the little bumps in the road that I've had with my husband, she always goes back to the whole "You should've lived together first" thing. 

But I don't agree. I don't think that's where the problems have come from.

I think all relationships have their ups and downs, and I don't necessarily think that living together before we got married would have prevented them from happening. My husband and I are in a really fine place right now, with 5 years of marriage under our belts. And I think it has more to do with our willingness to compromise and grow together than anything else.

My friend, on the other hand, is still living unmarried to her boyfriend of 7 years, and has two children now. She really, really, really wanted to get married and have a big, fancy wedding, but it never happened for her... I think it's because she lived with her boyfriend first, and he didn't see the need to marry her since they were already living together.

Also, they haven't had a peachy-keen relationship... Nobody has a problem-free relationship! It's all about how you tackle those speed-bumps, when they hit, that matter, in my opinion.

Now, I am not an advocate of just marrying someone you barely know. No, no, no. That's why Drew and I spent a year and a half dating and spending weekends together and getting to know one another before we wed. 

But on the flip-side, you can "know" someone for 30 years and still be finding out new things about them that you didn't know before. I think getting to know someone is a life-long process that never really ends.

I think if you have some core values in common, similar goals in life, and you respect one another, that is more important than if you live together before marriage or if you don't.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents on the matter. What do you think?

XOXO

Scarlett